


Assist

by xanzpet (gleefulmusings)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Awkward Sexual Situations, Humor, M/M, Mild Language, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleefulmusings/pseuds/xanzpet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley and Xander play basketball. Riley is particularly interested in Xander's layup. Featuring a Very Special Guest Star!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Assist

**_Assist: A player earns an assist when his pass leads directly to a basket by a teammate._ **

* * * * *

It was one thing to know one wasn't athletically gifted. It was something altogether different to have it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Xander didn't know why he had agreed to a game of one-on-one. Riley was taller, faster, and stronger – facts which had become even more glaringly obvious as the match progressed.

Still, he wanted Riley to like him and it was nice not being the only Scooby with a penis. Well, if one discounted Giles.

Not that Xander discounted Giles but, as far as he was concerned, Giles was basically sexless. Sure, he knew that Giles _had_ sex; he just didn't want to know with whom or in what capacity.

He startled when Riley began snapping fingers in front of his face. "Huh?"

"Are you okay?" Riley panted.

"Oh. Sure. Sorry."

"Where'd you go?"

"Got distracted."

Riley raised a brow. Excellent. His nefarious plan was working. He had Xander alone, away from the girls and any otherworldly menace. They were grunting and sweating and had removed articles of clothing.

Man sex was the next logical step.

But he didn't want to rush things. Xander was a hard one to figure out.

Whoa.

Hard Xander.

Nice.

Riley shook his head, exhaled forcefully, and affixed a goofy grin to his face. "By what?"

He was hoping his smooth tan skin and impressive biceps had suitably distracted Xander.

"Giles's penis."

Riley blinked. "What?"

"Huh? Oh. Well. I was thinking how nice it was that you're a part of the gang now, you know? I mean, for so long it was just me and a lot of estrogen. And you're a really cool guy. A nice one too. But then I remembered Giles and how he's also a guy, but I don't really think about him as actually being a guy because then I would have to admit that Giles has probably had sex, which would lead to my brain leaking out of my ears and then I would have to rush home and ask Willow to bake me cookies while Buffy puts my head in her lap and makes the scary go away."

Riley's eyes widened to epic proportions. "Wow."

"Yeah. Sorry."

"No," Riley rushed to say. "No, I understand. It's a little bit like thinking about your parents having sex."

"That never happened."

"Xander."

"I have no parents. I was hatched from an egg."

"Like Helen?"

"Helen Reddy?"

Riley's brow furrowed. "Your musical tastes scare me."

"I get that a lot."

"I meant Helen as in Helen of Troy. She was born from an egg."

"Wow, really?"

Riley nodded. "Zeus raped Leda, Helen's mother, in the form of a swan, and then…"

"A god raped a swan?"

"Um, no. Zeus transformed himself into a swan and…"

"A swan raped a woman?" demanded a disbelieving Xander. "With what? His beak? How in the name of, well, _Zeus_ , is that possible?"

Riley shrugged. "He was a god."

"I don't want to think about swans raping people. You shouldn't say stuff like that on the Hellmouth."

This wasn't going exactly as Riley had planned. He wasn't crowding a dribbling Xander. There were no pivot-ball-changes. There was no brushing of shoulders or slaps on the butt or stolen peeks of errant jock straps.

No.

Instead, the basketball sat alone and forlorn in the middle of the court as Xander ranted about swan gods raping unsuspecting women, which somehow led to another rant about something Riley vaguely understood as pertaining to _Star Trek_ , which soon had Xander digging out his cell phone to verify facts with Willow, and that was when Riley had enough.

"Xander."

"Just a sec, Ri."

Riley grabbed the phone from Xander's hand and threw it.

"Hey!"

He then placed his hands on the sides of Xander's face. "I need you to listen to me, okay? Because this is hard for me to say."

Xander nodded, his eyes narrowing.

"I didn't ask you here to play basketball."

Xander mumbled something which neither of them understood but, given the pressure Riley's hands were placing against his face, there was no hope of translation.

"I like you, Xander."

"I leek woo too, Wiley."

Riley sighed. "No. I mean I like you. As in, I like you as a boy."

"I _am_ a boy," Xander carefully enunciated.

"Yes. So am I."

"Okay…"

"I'm a boy and you're a boy and I like you as a boy."

"I dun get it."

Riley rolled his eyes and dipped his head, covering Xander's lips with his own.

Wow. This was better than he had imagined, though Xander wasn't moving very much. But even a stunned Xander could kiss and do it well.

Because Xander Harris had Porn Mouth.

And he tasted good too, kind of like oranges. Or oatmeal. Riley wasn't sure which, but he liked it.

He liked Xander a lot.

He didn't even know why, really, except that Xander was pretty much an Eagle Scout come to life, just one without the merit badges.

And that made him wonder if Xander knew how to tie knots.

And Xander liked him, he was pretty sure. At least as a friend, and everyone knew that all great romances and amazing sex were rooted in friendship.

And Xander knew about demon stuff and helped Buffy even though he didn't have any special powers.

Well, actually, Xander was kind of a special power all on his own. One big delicious power.

Xander also had great hair, and quality hair was important in Riley's estimation.

He slowly removed his hands from Xander's face. One traveled upward, his fingers curling in Xander's hair – which was just as soft and smelled as good as he imagined – while the other went down and behind, grabbing a very sweet and firm ass.

Xander squeaked.

Riley thought it was the most adorable sound in the world. He wondered what other sounds he could get Xander to make. It made him happy just thinking about it.

He also thought Xander had the softest lips in the world. Well, of those lips he had pressed his own against.

And Xander was all sweaty and glowing and manly. Oh yeah.

"Bwuh," Xander tried to say before finally pushing Riley away. "What was _that_?"

"A kiss."

"You kissed me!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did." Riley beamed, pleased with his accomplishment.

"Don't do that!"

Well, that was disappointing.

"You don't kiss someone like that!"

Oh, shit.

Panic began to set in for Riley. Wow, he had really misjudged this whole thing. How could he have been so wrong?

He was stupid to assume that just because Xander wasn't currently dating someone that he might have a penchant for penis. Riley Penis in particular.

Sad Lonely Riley Penis, which was really rather fond of Xander and Xander's hopefully maybe-gay-or-bisexual penis.

And – _oh shit!_ – what if Xander told Buffy of Riley's molestation of him?

Sad Lonely Riley Penis was doomed.

"I'm sorry!" Riley trilled.

Xander scowled and furiously shook his head.

"No, no, no! You don't understand at all! I meant that you don't _kiss_ someone like that! Where was the tongue? The pelvic grinding? Who taught you to kiss? Geez, don't they have broom closets in Iowa?"

He pitched himself forward, tackling Riley to the ground. He grabbed Riley by the wrists and held the other man's arms above his head while straddling Riley's pelvis. His lip curled into a leer.

"Now, let's try this again. And don't worry, I'm sure you'll get it right. Eventually."

Riley didn't know what broom closets had to do with anything, but he threw up a silent prayer in gratitude to whomever had first introduced Xander Harris to one.

* * * * *

Two hundred miles away, Cordelia Chase paused in her typing attempt.

The oncoming migraine was _so_ worth what she had just seen.

She pumped a fist in victory. _Yes!_ Her legacy continued!

She threw back her head and cackled.

"I shudder even to ask," Wesley whispered to Angel, who nodded somberly.


End file.
